Pooh Bear Reunion Tour

Liberals and artists (everyone I have ever met) love to critcize Hollywood. People often consider it to be hierarchal and full of men in suits, who in turn, because of the suits, do bad shit...? Some logic along those lines. And while I try to stay optimistic about the movie industry, I side with the crazy, cynical hippies on one issue: revivals, remakes and sequels. If any movie in history ever even had a possibility to make money at some point in the past, then Hollywood will simply do it again. Your movie was marginally profitable? We would like to make seven more. You like that movie where those young, studly cops caught that crazy drug lord? Well now those actors are in their 50s and we're making them come out of retirement to have them beat king pins to death with their wheelchairs. For every successful retelling of a story there are thousands of brutal rapes of an intellectual property in some other theatre (60% of those cases go unreported and straight to Best Buy shelves). So when a link popped up on my RSS feed about a new Winnie the Pooh film, my instinct was to commit arson on a shelter home for animal burn victims. I could envision it so clearly: 3D-IMAX Winnie The Pooh, now with top of the line computer animation! Experience the heffalumps and woozles in mind-boggling 3D! George Clooney stars and does mo-cap for both Tigger AND Pooh Bear! Angelina Jolie Stars as the evil Honey Queen! This Summer, experience "Winnie the Pooh: Rise of the Bee's Wax." POOH... IS... BACK!

So, as I thrashed around violently in my chair, I clicked on the link. And something unexpected and beautiful happened. As text came up over the screen, the distinct, clear voice of Pooh came racing into my head from the depths of my childhood memories. And when the text lifted, there in front of me, was the grumbling, two-dimensional tummy of my favorite polo-wearing bear. My eyes began to light up and I could feel pure joy begin to well up inside me. Then, all of a sudden, Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" began to softly fade into the trailer and again I quickly began to recede into madness. Was this some sort of romantic-comedy? Was Jolie, perhaps, not starring as the evil Honey Queen, but instead some fucked-up 100-Acres-Wood harlot that would act as Pooh's love interest? I didn't even know Pooh had any libido or sexual desires to speak of. Good God. And still, throughout my panic, the soft melodies of one of the world's cheesiest songs continued to play, and yet again, like the Grinch when he realizes he fucked up Christmas, I had a second moment of being being proven completely wrong. For as the song dipped into its quiet bridge, a single, red, not IMAX 3D balloon slowly floated through an empty tree-line in a blissful "American Beauty"-type moment of innocence and simplicity. Everything that makes Winnie the Pooh irresistible--the wisdom, the childlike wonder, the magical realism--all of that was coalesced in one single shot--and from there I was sold. In fact, in a state of complete shock, I laughed audibly, out loud, at the trailer's only joke. I mean fuck me, I don't think I have even laughed at the trailers of movies that are supposed to be hilarious. Needless to say, I am now in eager anticipation for this film. And while I will probably get my fair share of restraining orders as the only non-parent over the age of eight in the theatre, from the looks of things, it may just be worth it.

(In this week's spirit of favorites, I once told my mom that my favorite actor was Winnie the Pooh and one time I dressed up as Pooh for Halloween. So, before you start telling all your lacrosse playing buddies that your bro Ben told you this movie was about to be baller. Just know that I am a lifelong, die-hard fan.)

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” -Pooh